Why I’m Failing at Self Love

I’ve fancied myself a self love guru for quite some time now. I’m here for body positive affirmations and views. I’m here for my plus size women owning their fashion, their confidence and the way the view themselves verses how society may view them. Yes, I’ve got the t-shirt, the key chain, the membership card and the size 28 pants to prove it.

I thought I understood self love up until very recently when I realized; I didn’t know all there was to know.

I gave birth in July and it was a pretty strenuous pregnancy on my body due to being obese as well as having some issues brought on by pregnancy. Despite it all, I was overjoyed to count my baby’s ten little fingers and toes. As the recovery process began I was elated at the prospect of my pelvis and hip returning to normal and losing some of the baby weight I gained.

Instead of the aforementioned things happening; my hip pain got worse and my weight wasn’t dropping off as I imagined it would and like it had in the past. Days and weeks progressed and the pain in my hip became more excruciating as the days passed on. Stretching, exercising, and over the counter pain meds were not cutting it and wouldn’t you know in addition to that, my weight losing seemed to be going nowhere fast.

In comes the thyroiditis diagnosis as well as an inexplicable diagnosis of chronic hip pain. These things may seem like they have little to do with self love but o they do. The pain in my hip is so bad it now radiates to my thigh and I walk with a limp. I’m in so much pain that throughout the day I find myself breaking into episodes of crying and I’m super depressed because of it.I’ll be 32 years old next week and my body feels like I’m knocking on 80. I’m angry at myself and my body for not being what I think it should be.

Meanwhile, I have a goiter growing in my neck that is noticeably making my neck thicker, making it harder to swallow and whatever the symptoms of thyroiditis are they are wreaking havoc on everything from bowel movements to dry skin. I hate what my body is doing.

And that’s where the problem is. I am hating my body right now. This body I vowed to cherish and love no matter what size it was. The body I promised to watch what I put into it and make every effort to be good to it is suddenly my worst enemy. I am officially unsure of how to self love at the moment.

I want to pretend I have all the answers. I here the encouraging words of many body positive advocates; but I don’t hear the words I need for a body that is simply breaking down at the moment.

I have no idea what the future holds beyond these specialist visits I have on the calendar. I know that right now I’m attempting to take it one day at a time. I am trying to learn to continue to love myself even in these moments my body is betraying me. If I can learn that; then I can truly say I’ve learned the art of self love.