So I know if you’ve been a reader of my blog or followed any of my social media pages for a while; then it’s pretty obvious that I’m married. Yep, cat’s out the bag, sorry to disappoint! *insert laughter here* This fact prompts a lot of people to ask me questions about dating and marriage.
I think it’s super important that I point out that I do NOT consider myself to be any relationship guru at all. It’s just that I’ve got a little bit of experience so I like to share my lessons from time to time if it could potentially help someone else along the way.
In people’s quest to find out how to obtain a mate, they often focus their questions on how I did that; but no one ever really asks me about the heartbreaks along the way. And the reality is, I didn’t experience a whole lot of heartbreak, but the ones I did experience were emotionally traumatic for me, and took a long time to heal from.
I was the type of person who wore my heart on my sleeve, felt way too much too soon, gave of myself freely and expected that it would be reciprocated. Needless to say I learned the hard way that this was simply not how the men in my life operated.
I couldn’t understand why I kept finding men who wanted to manipulate me, use me, treat me like the homey and commit only with stipulations. Then it dawned on me that it was because it was what I was allowing.
I hadn’t figured out that some things (like my dignity) were not worth compromising. I hadn’t figured out my worth and because of that I allowed myself to settle for mediocre relationships in order to combat the loneliness I was so afraid of feeling. I thought my ability to “keep a man” is what defined or validated my worthiness to be treated with decency and respect.
My ability to find a mate was directly connected to my ability to find myself. I had to learn who I was and what I was deserving of. That’s not to say that me and my husband’s dating and subsequent nuptials were flawless because they weren’t; it was far from that. The truth is I was better than before but I was still growing and still learning myself, and he was too.
The process was not easy, and 13 years later it’s still not! I’m so glad we’ve matured and have incorporated God in our marriage and have aligned ourselves with biblical marital goals. I know that’s not everyone’s thing, but it is certainly what has worked for us. We actually wrote about it a few years back here.
The fairy tale can and does exist, but it’s a human fairy tale; rife with imperfections. As long as you understand that, then the possibilities for finding love are endless. You are the author of your story, so use discernment when choosing which characters you write into your book.
After several crappy relationships, I learned the same lesson!
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Beautiful post 😄